Consecration, Day 2

"Now unto him that is able to keep you from falling, and to present you faultless before the presence of is glory with exceeding joy,

To the only wise God our Savior, be glory and majesty, dominion and power, both now and forever, Amen."

(Jude 1:24-25)

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Whenever I look at this scripture, hear it at benediction and at the end of prayers, I always think of what He brought me out of. I always think of the self-destructive things that I was trying to push myself to do before I was saved. The things that I was doing before I became curious in the Christian faith once again, and later on, the way I slowly gave up trying to stay afloat in the faith. Everything felt impossible, salvation felt like a lightyear away, and a thousand times I wished that the Holy Ghost would just rush into me like a gust on a windy day.

Every time I read Acts 2, I wished that the Holy Spirit would just come unto me out of nowhere and fill me before I even knew what was happening. I was tired of trying and feeling like I was doing wrong-- I was constantly looking at others' and their walk in the Spirit and wondering, 'how do I -know- when I got it?', thinking that there was always a certain feeling to being first baptized in the Spirit.

I remember at some point I went to the Shepherd Mother and said, "I feel like I have to go under in order to rise back up." Something in me told me that I'd have to let myself go in order to be lifted up. While the shepherd mother and 1st Lady discouraged that (after all, letting yourself loose in Sin is beyond risky), that's eventually how I got the Holy Ghost.

Not that I actually tried to sin and do this and that and the third in order to get it. Right before I got it, I was in the middle of overworking my body. I was going through emotional issues after losing my first full-time job due to a knee injury and simply not being 'good enough' for the management. I was pushing myself to get drunk because I didn't want to think about it-- I was doing regrettable things in an attempt to have fun and be carefree and bury those emotions.

When I got hired again for the holiday, I was pushing my body through extremes to get work done. I remember being sick with fever for a week and pushing myself to work in less than 20 degree weather at some holiday market regardless. I sacrificed a bunch of off-days because co-workers were being super flaky. I was working so hard for what seemed to be so little... Christmas came along, and I could not get the presents and things I wanted for my family. My priorities at the time were twisted and I was feeling depressed and it was to the point where I started casually thinking about suicide. I was tired, I did not know what to do with myself, and I wasn't happy with myself at all.

My energy was drained, my emotions were trashed, and I was tired of myself. Right before New Year's Eve, after an evening service I decided to go with some of the youth group to an all-night prayer (I've been wanting to experience it for a while, I was always told that the prayer sessions from this one particular church was extremely powerful and edifying) and when we went, it didn't even take me long to feel so overcome with everything that was on my back. I think the message was something like 'What is it that I need to change before the New Year's?' We are always wishing to God or trying to make 'resolutions' and things for the coming year, things that we really wanted to try to accomplish or have God bless us with. But what is it that I needed to let go of? God, help me let go of these things.

As I started praying, everything bubbled up. Family situations.. love problems.. self-loathing... I found myself from speaking to sobbing. I let go of all of those things and put it to the side. 'God, help me, please. Cleanse me lord because I feel like I'm nothing but filth because of all of this'. At some point hands were laid on me, a sudden urge from my stomach came from nowhere and not long after, I was speaking in tongues uncontrollably. Mind you, I received it within an hour or so and then I was speaking in tongues for the remaining 3+ hours. It was crazy.

After waking up the next morning? Complete serenity. Nothing could not put me down. I was not jumping off of walls, but I felt like I was smooth sailing forever and nothing could change that feeling. I ended up unexpectedly being let go from my holiday job (or rather, a "don't tell her she's only seasonal until the very end"-job), being avoided by the owners and not getting the bonus that was promised to me. "You're that greedy? Keep your stupid money." I skipped away from that not even really angry or sad, after a day or so I didn't give a crap. My birthday was coming up and I was saving up everything to celebrate it with a bang. I was walking on sunshine, rainbows, yellow-brick roads...

Long(er) rambling cut short, God had pulled me out of quicksand and placed me on that solid rock. I went from thoughts of death and hate, to huge anticipation for my future, the blessings and what God's plan is for me. I really felt that that was one of the big moments of my life where I felt like I was going towards an unreachable place but He picked me out of there. Thank you, God. For everything.