Guyana Mission Trip: Day 2

After a long night of warm welcoming festivities, everyone was up bright and early to begin preparing for our first day of real spiritual activities. We went during one of Guyana's rain seasons (rain/dry season will probably feel so strange to me..), and I came out of my sleep hearing the hardest rain I've seen. At first I thought maybe it was a thunderstorm, but their periods of rain just tend to come down really, REALLY hard. I was constantly on edge because I really hate thunderstorms, but luckily for me we never had a single one the whole time we were there. After a while the intense rain became really calming..



In the morning was Lady M's Dialysis workshop service, where she spoke about the importance of going to the doctor and getting a diagnosis for whatever sickness you may have, and not to stay ignorant (which if you lack the money or time to go to the doctor, you might have a tendency of doing!).


(Cut for those who aren't interested in reading about this stuff)
x-posted to A·M·A·N·I 

Consecration, Day 4

"Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts: And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting."

(Psalms 139:23-24)

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There is something about asking God to search your insides. It's a way of surrendering; while He already knows what is in our hearts and in our minds, I feel that there is something about letting yourself go so He can work in you.

Surrender and Submission-- two things I had to learn as I was tarrying for the holy spirit. A lot of the time those two terms are seen as something negative. When you think of surrendering your heart and mind, you think of brainwashing. I had to learn that it is anything but.

This is what I love about my faith that some don't understand. It's never brainwashing when it's done in righteousness, as it should. (Sadly, you have those who think they're doing right by forcing faith upon others.) No matter what, you'll always have free will. God gave that to his creatures and he will not take that away. Every step you take is ultimately your choice to do so. If I don't want God to do anything for me? Then he won't. He'll just be there waiting for me to say 'Yes.' (But obviously I'm not trying to just sit around and be spiritually dead in the meantime~)

So with surrendering and submitting myself, I'm telling the Lord, God, you know what's in there; here I am, you know what's best, help me remove any impurities and strengthen all the good parts. Strengthen my spirit-man, help be conquer the very things that used to oppress me. Continue to work on me God, I look forward to the day where I am no longer a 'work-in-progress', but a complete masterpiece.

Consecration, Day 3

"1 Have mercy upon me, O God, according to thy lovingkindness: according unto the multitude of my tender mercies blot out my transgressions, 2 Wash me thoroughly from mine iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin. 3 For I acknowledge my transgressions: and my sin is ever before me. 4 Against thee, thee only, have I sinned, and done this evil in thy sight: that thou mightest be justified when thou speakest, and be clear when thou judgest. 5 Behold, I was shapen in iniquity; and in sin did my mother conceive me.

6 Behold, thou desirest truth in the inward parts: and in the hidden part thou shalt make me to know wisdom. 7 Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean: wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow. 8 Make me to hear joy and gladness; that the bones which thou hast broken may rejoice.

9 Hide thy face from my sins, and blot out all mine iniquities. 10 Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me. 11 Cast me not away from thy presence; and take not thy holy spirit from me. 12 Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation; and uphold me with thy free spirit. 13 Then will I teach transgressors thy ways; and sinners shall be converted unto thee.

14 Deliver me from bloodguiltiness, O God, thou God of my salvation: and my tongue shall sing aloud of thy righteousness. 15 O Lord, open thou my lips; and my mouth shall shew forth thy praise. 16 For thou desirest not sacrifice; else would I give it: thou delightest not in burnt offering. 17 The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit: a broken and a contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise.

18 Do good in thy good pleasure unto Zion: build thou the walls of Jerusalem. 19 Then shalt thou be pleased with the sacrifices of righteousness, with burnt offering and whole burnt offering: then shall they offer bullocks upon thine altar."

(Psalms 51)

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After reading this entire Psalms, I've definitely been speaking this in most of my other prayer sessions. Particularly the cleansing and renewing in verses 6-12. Often times when I become depressed, I drown myself in emotion. I end up being so caught up in what I'm feeling vs. what the Word states and a lot of the time I really don't want to hear it when it's brought to my attention.

I cannot continue to let myself slip and slide. My ultimate short-term goal is to be able to hear His voice, know His signs, and be able to work within that. I need to be chastened by the Word of God. I need to become more committed and consistent in my walk with Christ, in order to develop a serious habit of praise, prayer, and active repentance.

Consecration, Day 2

"Now unto him that is able to keep you from falling, and to present you faultless before the presence of is glory with exceeding joy,

To the only wise God our Savior, be glory and majesty, dominion and power, both now and forever, Amen."

(Jude 1:24-25)

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Whenever I look at this scripture, hear it at benediction and at the end of prayers, I always think of what He brought me out of. I always think of the self-destructive things that I was trying to push myself to do before I was saved. The things that I was doing before I became curious in the Christian faith once again, and later on, the way I slowly gave up trying to stay afloat in the faith. Everything felt impossible, salvation felt like a lightyear away, and a thousand times I wished that the Holy Ghost would just rush into me like a gust on a windy day.

Every time I read Acts 2, I wished that the Holy Spirit would just come unto me out of nowhere and fill me before I even knew what was happening. I was tired of trying and feeling like I was doing wrong-- I was constantly looking at others' and their walk in the Spirit and wondering, 'how do I -know- when I got it?', thinking that there was always a certain feeling to being first baptized in the Spirit.

I remember at some point I went to the Shepherd Mother and said, "I feel like I have to go under in order to rise back up." Something in me told me that I'd have to let myself go in order to be lifted up. While the shepherd mother and 1st Lady discouraged that (after all, letting yourself loose in Sin is beyond risky), that's eventually how I got the Holy Ghost.

Not that I actually tried to sin and do this and that and the third in order to get it. Right before I got it, I was in the middle of overworking my body. I was going through emotional issues after losing my first full-time job due to a knee injury and simply not being 'good enough' for the management. I was pushing myself to get drunk because I didn't want to think about it-- I was doing regrettable things in an attempt to have fun and be carefree and bury those emotions.

When I got hired again for the holiday, I was pushing my body through extremes to get work done. I remember being sick with fever for a week and pushing myself to work in less than 20 degree weather at some holiday market regardless. I sacrificed a bunch of off-days because co-workers were being super flaky. I was working so hard for what seemed to be so little... Christmas came along, and I could not get the presents and things I wanted for my family. My priorities at the time were twisted and I was feeling depressed and it was to the point where I started casually thinking about suicide. I was tired, I did not know what to do with myself, and I wasn't happy with myself at all.

June 2012 Consecration

I'll admit, I am a bit annoyed right now.

The entire women's ministry was suddenly put on a consecration for the next three weeks. For those who didn't find out from last night... well, they'll find out tomorrow after morning service.

God is so wise.. all-knowing, omnipresent... so it's not surprising that he has some slick moves. Instructed by our 1st Lady, we put 5 favorite things on an index card.

Mine are:

1) ruffles and lace

2) video games

3) cake

4) [Person of significant importance here]

5) music

As we talked about our favorite things among each other, we were handed a sheet. Reading the word 'consecration' we went "WHAT???"

A consecration of our 5 favorite things? For three weeks??? God, what are you thinking???

1st Lady began to explain what was spoken to her and why we were doing this. We have an outreach event on July 13th that is supposed to be really big and this was our preparation for it. But how could we minister to people if we ourselves are not right and still acting in sin?

I started to understand where this was coming from.

During Pentecost we were challenged with a 10-day water-only fast. Miraculously I made it through the fast without breaking it, and it felt very edifying. At the same time, a while after I realized that I never made the most of the fast.I prayed, I read scripture, but I failed to really look at myself and what I needed to change about myself, and what I expect from myself in the future, and what God's plan for me is. When First Sunday came along and it was time for Communion, I felt heavy with conviction having realized this.

Not only that, but it was very hard to keep myself under control once we started eating again. I was not able to keep our weekly liquid fasts on Tuesday, and only this past week was I able to finally control my desire for salt and sweets and tone down my eating habits to something much healthier. Feelings flared up that I easily submitted to... just a huge mess. At the end of the day, what was that all for?

Two weeks ago I had gotten the command to do another fast personally.. but I've been procrastinating on it because my body feels like it can't/won't cut back on food like it did last month. What happened to me?

So, this consecration will most likely do more than great. The only issue is that I'm so attached to my clothing and my music... and I can't wear anything with ruffles and lace (read: 99% of my closet) and I can't listen to any secular music... time to borrow clothes and download more Godly tunes.

Along with those, I'm also pushing to severely cut my internet time so I don't end up playing video games online, or listen to things that aren't of God. Goodbye for now, Sims Social, goodbye, Youtube subscriptions. Goodbye to most of Facebook and most of my friends in general because I am not trying to cuss during this time, or be angry or feel a certain way. These next 3 weeks are me-and-God time. I'll also be praying for the actual fast He wanted me to do, and while I'm at it, I'll also be trying to push myself to be more motivated and more active, by working on fitness, serious scripture studying, and going out to appreciate life and my surroundings, or SOMETHING. Something to keep me from going insane in my own room. Haha.

So.. good luck to me. Sigh