"A Necessary Trip"

Sunday I walked into church to find that one of my pastor's good friends was preaching in his place for morning service. My pastor is a very anointed man of God and so by default, you already know that if one of his colleagues preach, they got a little something going on themselves. Occasionally when things like this happen, you sort of know that a message is bound to 'click'. Confirmations happen so often when people are on one accord-- even if it's the first time you've spoken in years. It's amazing the way the Holy Spirit works, when you engulf yourself in God there is nothing less than exciting in Him. I'm hoping to bring myself to that point too.

The message for that morning was "A necessary trip".

The speaker pulled out Jeremiah 18:1-6, as well as Ezekiel 37:1-14. He also had a scripture from Nehemiah, which I forgot which @___@ (and it's a shame because it connects with what I'm about to say in the next part of the post..)
He began to speak about how there are times in our lives where we feel that the specific path we were brought on was a wasted effort, a 'waste of time', how we may initially regret the decision and was able to put that lost time towards something 'more worthy in our eyes. Maybe it wasn't even an action that was already done, maybe it is something forthcoming and we personally may deem it optional or not important and something we can get lazy on. But regardless of what we think and what we may feel, God is trying to lift us up and show us something in those moments.

In those specific scriptures, the Lord told Jeremiah to go to this potter's house, and brought Ezekiel to a valley full of dead and dry bones and showed them something powerful. To Jeremiah he stressed his desire to shape and mold Israel like the clay on the wheel, if only he was allowed to. Oh, the possibilities, if only his people allowed Him to work in their lives!

To Ezekiel, He brought him to this empty valley full of nothing of dry bones, and asked him, "Son of man, can these bones live?" As the conversation went on, He showed Ezekiel the limitless power of His word, how Ezekiel commanded the bones to once again be put together and covered by flesh and blood, and be given the breath of life, going from a valley full of bones to a living, breathing army.

This message was definitely food for thought. Certainly God tries to catch my attention and bring me to a new place in Him. I know this because there has been more than one time where he tried to bring me to a place and I pushed myself away. If only I could hear him! If only I can sense him better... this is exactly why I want to bring myself to a certain place before the end of the year. I want to develop this sensitivity to him.

As morning service closed out, that "click" moment happened. Pastor announced that we would be on a congregational consecration starting the 4th to the 16th, reading the whole book of Nehemiah. Touching up on the Word that was spoken before, he said that with such limited communication the speaker 'couldn't have known what God had in store for us' and that the sermon was confirmation to what He is about to give us in the next phase. We have our fasting, our Word, our prayer sessions (one on Sunday mornings, one at the church on Tues evening like usual, and then a conference line prayer another time during the week in the evening).

So now, I'm 5 days into the consecration and learning the story of Nehemiah. There are a lot of Old Testament scriptures that you barely hear of, for me Nehemiah is one of them, and as I'm reading (on Chapter 5 today), I'm seeing the place where God wants us as a congregation and how their togetherness is making them this sort of unpenetrable shield, even though they're in the midst of working. Building with one hand while a weapon in the other...
I'll get into this further as I go deeper into the chapters.

Consecration, Day 4

"Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts: And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting."

(Psalms 139:23-24)

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There is something about asking God to search your insides. It's a way of surrendering; while He already knows what is in our hearts and in our minds, I feel that there is something about letting yourself go so He can work in you.

Surrender and Submission-- two things I had to learn as I was tarrying for the holy spirit. A lot of the time those two terms are seen as something negative. When you think of surrendering your heart and mind, you think of brainwashing. I had to learn that it is anything but.

This is what I love about my faith that some don't understand. It's never brainwashing when it's done in righteousness, as it should. (Sadly, you have those who think they're doing right by forcing faith upon others.) No matter what, you'll always have free will. God gave that to his creatures and he will not take that away. Every step you take is ultimately your choice to do so. If I don't want God to do anything for me? Then he won't. He'll just be there waiting for me to say 'Yes.' (But obviously I'm not trying to just sit around and be spiritually dead in the meantime~)

So with surrendering and submitting myself, I'm telling the Lord, God, you know what's in there; here I am, you know what's best, help me remove any impurities and strengthen all the good parts. Strengthen my spirit-man, help be conquer the very things that used to oppress me. Continue to work on me God, I look forward to the day where I am no longer a 'work-in-progress', but a complete masterpiece.

Consecration, Day 3

"1 Have mercy upon me, O God, according to thy lovingkindness: according unto the multitude of my tender mercies blot out my transgressions, 2 Wash me thoroughly from mine iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin. 3 For I acknowledge my transgressions: and my sin is ever before me. 4 Against thee, thee only, have I sinned, and done this evil in thy sight: that thou mightest be justified when thou speakest, and be clear when thou judgest. 5 Behold, I was shapen in iniquity; and in sin did my mother conceive me.

6 Behold, thou desirest truth in the inward parts: and in the hidden part thou shalt make me to know wisdom. 7 Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean: wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow. 8 Make me to hear joy and gladness; that the bones which thou hast broken may rejoice.

9 Hide thy face from my sins, and blot out all mine iniquities. 10 Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me. 11 Cast me not away from thy presence; and take not thy holy spirit from me. 12 Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation; and uphold me with thy free spirit. 13 Then will I teach transgressors thy ways; and sinners shall be converted unto thee.

14 Deliver me from bloodguiltiness, O God, thou God of my salvation: and my tongue shall sing aloud of thy righteousness. 15 O Lord, open thou my lips; and my mouth shall shew forth thy praise. 16 For thou desirest not sacrifice; else would I give it: thou delightest not in burnt offering. 17 The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit: a broken and a contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise.

18 Do good in thy good pleasure unto Zion: build thou the walls of Jerusalem. 19 Then shalt thou be pleased with the sacrifices of righteousness, with burnt offering and whole burnt offering: then shall they offer bullocks upon thine altar."

(Psalms 51)

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After reading this entire Psalms, I've definitely been speaking this in most of my other prayer sessions. Particularly the cleansing and renewing in verses 6-12. Often times when I become depressed, I drown myself in emotion. I end up being so caught up in what I'm feeling vs. what the Word states and a lot of the time I really don't want to hear it when it's brought to my attention.

I cannot continue to let myself slip and slide. My ultimate short-term goal is to be able to hear His voice, know His signs, and be able to work within that. I need to be chastened by the Word of God. I need to become more committed and consistent in my walk with Christ, in order to develop a serious habit of praise, prayer, and active repentance.

Consecration, Day 2

"Now unto him that is able to keep you from falling, and to present you faultless before the presence of is glory with exceeding joy,

To the only wise God our Savior, be glory and majesty, dominion and power, both now and forever, Amen."

(Jude 1:24-25)

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Whenever I look at this scripture, hear it at benediction and at the end of prayers, I always think of what He brought me out of. I always think of the self-destructive things that I was trying to push myself to do before I was saved. The things that I was doing before I became curious in the Christian faith once again, and later on, the way I slowly gave up trying to stay afloat in the faith. Everything felt impossible, salvation felt like a lightyear away, and a thousand times I wished that the Holy Ghost would just rush into me like a gust on a windy day.

Every time I read Acts 2, I wished that the Holy Spirit would just come unto me out of nowhere and fill me before I even knew what was happening. I was tired of trying and feeling like I was doing wrong-- I was constantly looking at others' and their walk in the Spirit and wondering, 'how do I -know- when I got it?', thinking that there was always a certain feeling to being first baptized in the Spirit.

I remember at some point I went to the Shepherd Mother and said, "I feel like I have to go under in order to rise back up." Something in me told me that I'd have to let myself go in order to be lifted up. While the shepherd mother and 1st Lady discouraged that (after all, letting yourself loose in Sin is beyond risky), that's eventually how I got the Holy Ghost.

Not that I actually tried to sin and do this and that and the third in order to get it. Right before I got it, I was in the middle of overworking my body. I was going through emotional issues after losing my first full-time job due to a knee injury and simply not being 'good enough' for the management. I was pushing myself to get drunk because I didn't want to think about it-- I was doing regrettable things in an attempt to have fun and be carefree and bury those emotions.

When I got hired again for the holiday, I was pushing my body through extremes to get work done. I remember being sick with fever for a week and pushing myself to work in less than 20 degree weather at some holiday market regardless. I sacrificed a bunch of off-days because co-workers were being super flaky. I was working so hard for what seemed to be so little... Christmas came along, and I could not get the presents and things I wanted for my family. My priorities at the time were twisted and I was feeling depressed and it was to the point where I started casually thinking about suicide. I was tired, I did not know what to do with myself, and I wasn't happy with myself at all.

Consecration, Day 1

"Against thee, thee only, have I sinned, and done this evil in thy sight; that thou mightest be justified when thou speakest, and be clear when thou judgest."

(Psalms 51:4)

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I woke up this morning feeling lazy as always, and it was hard to bring myself together for prayer. So I decided that for this consecration, I would write down a page-worth of stuff concerning the given scripture before I would pray on it. I thought about myself, the things that I do and which are not pleasing to God and I wrote a list. Reading them over and thinking of what and how I do those things brought out feelings of conviction and of shame, and I prayed on them and the scripture. God, what else is there that is displeasing to You?

Last night at the meeting we read Mark 7:1-23 together. There were a couple of parts that spoke out to me:

"6 He answered and said unto them, Well hath Esaias prophesied of you hypocrites, as it is written, This people honoureth me with their lips, but their heart is far from me."

When I read this, I wondered to myself, am I praying and honoring from my heart, or my lips? How exactly would I know? I don't know the actual distinction, and I feel that I won't truly, fully know until my spirit is heightened and strengthened in the Word, and when I become more sensitive to His voice and His signs. There is no reason for me to be in denial or choose to not seek and find the difference. There is too much risk in that ignorant route.

"15 There is nothing from without a man, that entering into him can defile him: but the things which come out of him, those are they that defile the man. 16 If any man have ears to hear, let him hear. 17 And when he was entered into the house from the people, his disciples asked him concerning the parable. 18 And he saith unto them, Are ye so without understanding also? Do ye not perceive, that whatsoever thing from without entereth into the man, it cannot defile him; 19 Because it entereth not into his heart, but into the belly, and goeth out into the draught, purging all meats?

20 And he said, That which cometh out of the man, that defileth the man. 21 For from within, out of the heart of men, proceed evil thoughts, adulteries, fornications, murders, 22 Thefts, covetousness, wickedness, deceit, lasciviousness, an evil eye, blasphemy, pride, foolishness: 23 All these evil things come from within, and defile the man."

It reminded me of Proverbs 23:7, which stated "For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he". I can't blame my own sins on other things. They can only come from within me. Outside things may influence my decisions and my thoughts, but these things have to be already within myself for them to take root. Even if I don't feel convicted or the Holy Ghost signaling to me, it's still my responsibility to deal with it accordingly.

I won't actually write the list down since it's pretty detailed and graphic, but my faults seem to be across the board for the most part; sexual sins, lying, thieving thoughts, gluttony, cussing and threatening things, and personality flaws like procrastination/laziness, selfishness, unforgiveness/grudging, tempting thoughts and actions and other kinds of uncleanliness. Perhaps some of them seem "normal" but they are certainly not of God at all. As I began to pray, I confessed the things that I do and feel in detail, asked for strength, perseverance and a repentant and forgiving spirit.

Lord, remove these awful things from my system. Teach me, instill in me a response against unrighteousness, an OCD, even. Aid me as I continue to be righteous and just in your eyes, even when around friends and worldly people. Let me be a good example of a "Work In Progress" in You, let them see my dedication in my walk in Christ and be inspired, let them develop some sort of respect for You and my decision to live according to Your Word.

Help me continue this halt of my usual lifestyle activities to learn to give you glory daily, to develop a stronger prayer life, to have that 'prayer warrior' spirit that I feel that I should have. Let me be able to withstand your tests, and the works of the enemy. I am working towards divine strength, supernatural endurance, and an impenetrable armor of faith, in Jesus name.

June 2012 Consecration

I'll admit, I am a bit annoyed right now.

The entire women's ministry was suddenly put on a consecration for the next three weeks. For those who didn't find out from last night... well, they'll find out tomorrow after morning service.

God is so wise.. all-knowing, omnipresent... so it's not surprising that he has some slick moves. Instructed by our 1st Lady, we put 5 favorite things on an index card.

Mine are:

1) ruffles and lace

2) video games

3) cake

4) [Person of significant importance here]

5) music

As we talked about our favorite things among each other, we were handed a sheet. Reading the word 'consecration' we went "WHAT???"

A consecration of our 5 favorite things? For three weeks??? God, what are you thinking???

1st Lady began to explain what was spoken to her and why we were doing this. We have an outreach event on July 13th that is supposed to be really big and this was our preparation for it. But how could we minister to people if we ourselves are not right and still acting in sin?

I started to understand where this was coming from.

During Pentecost we were challenged with a 10-day water-only fast. Miraculously I made it through the fast without breaking it, and it felt very edifying. At the same time, a while after I realized that I never made the most of the fast.I prayed, I read scripture, but I failed to really look at myself and what I needed to change about myself, and what I expect from myself in the future, and what God's plan for me is. When First Sunday came along and it was time for Communion, I felt heavy with conviction having realized this.

Not only that, but it was very hard to keep myself under control once we started eating again. I was not able to keep our weekly liquid fasts on Tuesday, and only this past week was I able to finally control my desire for salt and sweets and tone down my eating habits to something much healthier. Feelings flared up that I easily submitted to... just a huge mess. At the end of the day, what was that all for?

Two weeks ago I had gotten the command to do another fast personally.. but I've been procrastinating on it because my body feels like it can't/won't cut back on food like it did last month. What happened to me?

So, this consecration will most likely do more than great. The only issue is that I'm so attached to my clothing and my music... and I can't wear anything with ruffles and lace (read: 99% of my closet) and I can't listen to any secular music... time to borrow clothes and download more Godly tunes.

Along with those, I'm also pushing to severely cut my internet time so I don't end up playing video games online, or listen to things that aren't of God. Goodbye for now, Sims Social, goodbye, Youtube subscriptions. Goodbye to most of Facebook and most of my friends in general because I am not trying to cuss during this time, or be angry or feel a certain way. These next 3 weeks are me-and-God time. I'll also be praying for the actual fast He wanted me to do, and while I'm at it, I'll also be trying to push myself to be more motivated and more active, by working on fitness, serious scripture studying, and going out to appreciate life and my surroundings, or SOMETHING. Something to keep me from going insane in my own room. Haha.

So.. good luck to me. Sigh