My sister's wedding was last month, as well as a convention I worked at for the weekend, and so much church activity as well... I've been procrastinating with updates on this blog. I've been trying hard to be up to date on my main blog, as well.
I had failed the 21-day consecration I was put on, and for a while I was feeling really down about it. It caused me to look at myself in a certain light because of what I went through and how I handled it.
Overall, I wasn't enthusiastic about it. That attitude is what did me in in such a short amount of time... I remember having told the 1st Lady, "I'd rather be on the all-water fast instead of this!" and hearing myself say that revealed a very selfish part of me. It opened my eyes a bit, and I know the Holy Ghost helped me see it as well, to see myself in such a way.
My 5 favorite things, I later realized, impacted so many levels of my flesh. It attacked each of my 5 senses... it attacked my carnal being, particularly my emotional side, as well as my overall self-identity. It targeted everything and I see exactly why God had assigned that to us. I see how that would impact our women's ministry. I saw.
When I realized these things, and I thought it over, and I prayed on it, I tried to pull myself together to at least finish it off. During our Tuesday night prayers at the church, I broke down and simply cried in the middle of prayer. Just straight cried. I was grieved because of the way I acted about it all, that I didn't take it seriously and at that point it was really hard to catch up and get the full experience I should've gotten. Not only that, but, the temptations that rose up when I did seriously try was too much to bear. A part of me was shattered and I could not keep my composure. Not long after, did I break the consecration again.
The only thing that I can say about my failure, is that I learned so much of myself. It brought out a part of me that I kept myself in denial about, things that I just straight-up ignored and buried for the sake of my emotional health. It brought up a nasty spirit that was dwelling in myself. Through that realization, I see where I need to concentrate on myself.
I plan to redo this consecration before we fly off to Guyana for our mission trip, as well as the fast that I was supposed to put myself on back in June. My concentration for the rest of this year is to focus on my strength spiritually, my relationship to God and my sensitivity to the Holy Spirit, not only in preparation for the epic stuff that is about to go down in South America, but to seriously push myself to make the lifestyle changes I need...
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